Happy birthday Mama...

I know it's a bit late but I won't let this Month pass by without greeting my Mama.
March 2 is her birthday and this year is her 49th Birth Anniversary, exactly 20 years have gone since she left us.


I was only 1 year old, my youngest brother 2 months old, and elder brother, 6 years old when she left. This is I think one of the reasons why my family's story is always something to be proud of...


I won't elaborate much since I recently made an article that is sort of related to this one.


Mama, I know you are always with us albeit we seemed to be separated from one another most of the time. I feel that it's because of you that our love and trust to one another never fade despite the distance.


Mama, how I wish you are here with us today. I can't help but to think of a lot of 'what ifs' and 'what could've happen' if you are still with us today...


Mama, I am a big (literally) girl now even though Kuya said that I will be forever his 'maldita' baby sister...
Don't get tired with us Mama, if you feel that we are somehow forgetting you...we're not. You will always be here in our heart.


I promise I will try to be as good as you want me to be. Just be always there when I need someone to talk to...and with GOD, always be by our side to protect us from all of the harms of the world.


Thank you Mama, if not because of you, Kuya, me and Jeje will not be here. I know how much you sacrificed for us just like Papa. Don't fret Mama, we will take good care of Papa. Sorry if sometimes I am being a stubborn daughter to Papa and a bad sister to Kuya and Bunso. But you know how much I love them and I how much I will sacrifice for them.


Mama, I wish I could introduce to you Dawn, he's my boyfriend for 3 years now. He's a good guy Mama. He takes good care of and listen to me when I don't have someone to talk to. He too has been sacrificing so much for me. That's why I don't mind whatever people would say about him or us. You know Mama that Dawn is an angel sent for me...you know how much I do not deserve someone like him. And so, I promise to be good to him as well Mama.


I know with your guidance Mama, I will continuously change into a better person. :)


I will pray for you Mama, wherever you are, I believe you are doing fine and happy with GOD.


Love,


Your Daughter.

SunDManOnEarth's Birthday

God thank you for today. From the moment I opened my eyes when I woke up, I know,  together with mom, YOU have already greeted me with a hug and a kiss on my forehead.


No words can express how grateful I am to be celebrating the Life you created. I offer this day to you God. For your love, guidance, understanding and strength.


Today, I wish nothing but longer life for all my loved ones and friends and mine. Make us the rightful people to witness how wonderful you created this world. Give us all more strength, hope and courage in facing LIFE. Give us more wisdom to understand YOUR commands and happiness, so that we can give joy to other people too.


Being here typing this post makes me realize how blessed and lucky I am.


Lord, I may have committed things that are unworthy of your trust. So here I am grabbing the opportunity today to ask for your forgiveness. In return, I am offering myself, my heart mind and soul to YOU freely. Use me, so that I can help other people, inspire them, share to them the strength you are giving me and to spread your good news.


Thank you for those people who made efforts, in every possible means to greet me and remember that I am indeed a CELEBRATION. Bless them Lord, their hearts and families.


Thank you my loving Lord for letting me be with the people I love on my birthday. You know all my heart's desire and I believe that in YOUR time, they will be granted.


 I love you.


AMEN.




Only Good Vibes on my birthday! Yay! ♥

Nanay Neda's 70th Birthday

It's Nanay Neda's 70th Birthday!

The feeling was so high as I see my family, my grandparents, cousins, nephews and other relatives gather together on this very special occasion. It's inspiring and overwhelming! 

Nanay Neda is diabetic and she almost has an impaired hearing caused by the medicines she's taking. It's also a little bit hard for my lola to take a walk or higher steps maybe because of diabetes and old age.

Our family is no exemption to those family-wars which is unavoidable and is usual to all families, but I guess, every problem and challenge tie us even more stronger and closer to one another. If there's time for war, more often are the times to make LOVE.

Last February 26, Sunday, we celebrated my lola's 70th Birthday. Yey!

My uncle-godfather, Ninong Jhon-Jhon who's in Singapore sponsored her birthday. It was only a simple family gathering that was held on my Ninong's place as well at Camella, Bulacan. It was a lovely and unforgettable day for me and for sure for lola too.

It's sad because the major sponsor and the brain of the celebration could not be with us. But thanks to skype and iphone, my Ninong had a little taste of what was happening on lola's birthday.

Aunt Lyn and Mommy Susan (my dad's sisters), took charge of the foods. Oh, how I wish I could share with you guys how awesome they cook! They could make a very good catering service!

Wrapped Rice, Fresh Bananas and Salad for dessert, Lumpia, Lengua, Fish Fillet,
Kaldereta, Chicken Pastelle, White Pasta were only some of the foods
prepared for Lola's Birthday

My Ninong's girlfriend, Tita Steph, and lolo managed the reservations and arrangements of the tables and chairs and tent that was placed outside the house. My dad (Papa Otis) took charge of the red balloons.

While the kids, including me, made a little effort on putting up a greeting banner and a picture for our lola. How sweet! Thanks to laptop, photoshop and printer that made it possible up to the last minute!

We almost forgot to put a greeting banner or
streamer for the birthdaycelebrator. But thanks
 to technologywe were still able to come-up with
something creative. haha!

My big brother Alvin showed his love by asking our little brother Lui to buy flowers at Dangwa and give it to our Lola a day before her birthday. Then, he, together with his girlfriend came up early with a Parvati Sugar-Free Cake they bought at Trinoma, only for our diabetic Lola. (I had a spoon of the cake and it tastes actually great, just a bit bitter because it's sugarless).

Very timely as it is, my little brother Lui won Res| Toe| Run's facebook Valentine's contest where they will choose only one entry. Participant must send a picture of who they want to celebrate Valentine's Day with and why.  It served as his advance birthday gift to Nanay Neda, they had dinner at Chateau 1971 at Glorietta, Makati and a pair of fitflops sponsored by Res| Toe| Run.

Thanks Res|Toe|Run and Sir Dale for the accommodation!
My brother and lola had an advanced birthday celebration!

Don't you love it when you see members of your family cooperate to one another for a certain goal? It was like I saw production crews gearing up towards an upcoming Celebrity Birthday Bash! haha.

She has no choice but to look at the camera. haha!
Nanay Neda is wearing a brown and white colored stripe see-through
 blouse on her birthday!  How liberated. LOL! Ninong asked her to c
hange her outfit when they were talking via Skype. 
It took her 3  wardrobes before coming up with this one.

Later in the afternoon, everything was all set. And the first guests were the family of my Lola's elder sister, Ate Pansang with Kuya Rolly, her husband ( (we're used to call them that way) with their son Kuya Yuri and some of their grandchildren. It was nice to see the two original sisters reunited!

You can see Nanay Neda's (let), and Ate Pansang's (right)
genuine smiles as they get reunited!

More visitors and guests started coming as it gets late in the afternoon. Cousin Sheila and her family made it all the way down from Pandi Bulacan, uncles, and some invited friends of Aunt Lyn. Tita Lilia and her husband came dinner time too with a big box of Dolor's Kakanin. Cousin Gerald and his girlfriend Ate Orpha went straight from their work with a bucket of Chocolate-Chips flavored Ice Cream bought at S&R! 

I could feel my Nanay Neda's joy as she's being greeted by her guests. She even became teary-eyed. Yes, she's a crying lola! I can feel that she's feeling it too, the overflowing LOVE! :)

Few hours before sunset, me and my cousins decided to play cards for an ice breaker! haha  We played the most exciting card game for us, IN-BETWEEN! While Uncles had a little drink. 

We all ended up so full and happy!

Time for photo opts! Oops? I was caught eating salad while they're
all busy posing for the  camera! lol

Photo with the kids ! This is one of my favorite!
So natural and very youthful! :)

Of course the party will not end with a group picture! What a happy family! :) More photos were
 uploaded on my Tita Steph's Facebook Account. :)

Reunions need not be elegant nor expensive. Sometimes, a reason and little efforts can make it a HUGE and extra-ordinary one.

Nothing can really beat reunions and close family ties. Only here in Philippines. I love you Manahan Family! You're simply the best! ♥

Transition Period.

I graduated April 2011 with flying colors with my Bachelor’s Degree Major in Mass Communication. 

Having graduated Magna cum Laude with my “easy” course was a great fulfillment and achievement for me for the reasons that I was able to satisfy the expectations of my big brother and I know it will surely be my edge over the thousands of competitors waiting for me in the ‘real world’. But things didn’t turn out exactly the way I imagined it to be. 

Applying for a job and searching for a good catch is never easy.  I have to admit that I got drowned with the swift change I have to go through. And for me, it was a chaos…

Still overwhelmed with my feat, I have overlooked some of the important things that I have to be prepared for as I am about to leave the four corners of my classroom. I never thought that getting out of my university will feel like falling off from an abyss. I didn’t have my resume ready, no target employer yet (so stubborn not to follow my brother's piece of advice to send out my application at most 2 months before the graduation), got no attire to wear for a possible interview…NOTHING! 

Just me together with my transcript of records, diploma, good moral certificate and big silver medal…definitely not the situation you’d expect from an honor awardee who graduated from a reputable university. 

Oh, I was totally lost.

Things were made even more complicated because of my family. My older brother got back in Luzon from being assigned in Davao, but he has to be in Pampanga… Not too long had passed and here comes the Princess (my brother’s girlfriend) staying in Manila for a work assignment. Wow, things were running smoothly for the two of them but not for me and the rest of my family. 

I feel so awful during that time because I thought we’ll be finally happy since I will have to work and my brother will be staying with us and we’re complete again.  

But I was wrong. 

Me and my brother had a deal that I will stay with his gf while I was looking for work since the gf can’t stay alone at her unit. At first I was excited for I thought it’s a luxury living with her in a condo and that opportunities are nearer to me in Manila. After a few days living in 'her condo', I realize I can’t no longer stand the insensitive, pretentious her and decided to go back in Bulacan and so my little brother has to replace me while my father has to go back and forth alternately to Pampanga and Bulacan while I'm 

staying with my aunt in Bulacan.

To sum it up, I failed all my expectations… I thought I will work and go home to have supper with my family, chit-chatting on how each of us get through the day. That my brother and I will toil hard together as our little brother is finishing his college degree. And soon, we will be able to give our father the life that he never has as a return to all his sacrifices to us. Thus, a happy family and my mom is surely overjoyed watching us.

But all of these only led to frustration and hopelessness. My family has always been my inspiration and strength and being apart from them diluted me. I felt alone for I got no one to share my feelings and rants with. I was left having myself alone. Nothing of those cheers and motivations I used to lean on to. 

Not even a tap at my back.  

I have to cry every night to get rid of all the negativities and unwanted emotions inside me. Yes, I was poignant and was even questioning God why does it have to happen to me, to my family. They are oblivious that I have been in misery because of solitude… 

Who says turning from childhood to adolescence is the toughest transformation a person can ever experience?

But my world won't just stop. I have to deal with it for this is all part of living and being cursed here on earth. God must be testing and preparing me for something bigger in the future. And despite all, I still have a strong faith that God is watching, lifting me away from this chaos...

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(created July 2011, from my desktop)

NELYA

Si Nelya, tulala na naman.

Hinahaplos ang mga  dahon ng halaman.

Iisa lang ang binabalikan.

Iyong ala-alang hindi malimutan.

Si Nelya, nangangarap kanina.

Nagtitigan silang dalawa.

Nag-uusap at tumatawa.

Hindi pa din makapaniwala.

Si Nelya, luha’y biglang papatak.

Kanyang dibdib tila ba sinasaksak.

Tila yelong natunaw ang mga pangarap.

Kasawiang hindi inaasahan ni sa hinagap.

Si Nelya lalakad, nakatingin sa kawalan.

Baon sa ala-ala ang kanyang larawan.

Luha ay muli na namang aagos.

Wala na sa sarili halos.

Si Nelya, pipikit na lang.

Umaasa...nag-a-abang...

...lumulutang sa kawalan.

SunDManonEarth, August 2011 © All rights reserved

In darkness and silence...

I am emotionally battered.

By LIFE.

Thoughts keep running fast in my head.

Life.

Love.

Family.

Friendship.

Relationship.

Career.

Why do i feel hopeless in all aspects of my life today?

Have I gone wrong? Then where? when? and how?

I feel being used, being worthless, being nothing.

I can't quit.

I won't.

I'm a fighter.

I make other people happy.

So I don't get to ruin my own life.

I have to clear off my head.

Before all else fail.

Winners never quit.

I am a winner.

I'd wake up from here.

Witness me.

Getting out of here.

From where you see nothing.
Where you hear nothing, only your heart beat.

ONE on ONE

Ayoko na talaga. Sabi ko na, dapat hindi muna ko nag-boyfriend. Sana hindi ko muna inuna yung feelings ko noon o nagpadala sa mga tukso ng kaklase at barkada. Dapat nag-aral muna ko. Although hindi ko naman napabayaan yung pag-aaral ko, hindi ko lang gusto yung nararamdaman ko ngayon.

PRESSURE, GALIT, INIS, TAKOT at REGRET.
Haaaay. Ang sakit sa ulo atsa pakiramdam.

PRESSURE at TAKOT. PRESSURE at TAKOT dahil ga-graduate na ako. Sounds exciting right? But I know it doesn't end there. Syempre, kailangan kong makahanap ng trabaho, ng magandang trabaho. Ngayon tinatanong ko ang sarili ko,sapat na kaya ang mga natutunan ko sa kolehiyo for four years para makahanap ng trabahong papasa sa expectations nila sakin? This is the start, of starting from scratch. I know I don't have to please anybody or live for them. But this has been part of living, of my life, to accomplish expectations on me by the people who are important to me...with flying colors.

Haaaay. GALIT, INIS, at SELOS. GALIT at INIS dahil hindi ko alam kung bakit ang lahat ng bagay, tao, pangyayari sa paligid ko ay nagbabago. Sana, yung dati na lang. Sana, may magagawa ako. Sana hindi ko nararamdaman ngayon 'to. GALIT, INIS, at SELOS. Haaay. Kung lalaki ka at ang sabi mo mahal mo ang girlfriend mo, anong gagawin mo kung alam mong selosa sya at may umaaligid sa'yo? Magtatanga-tangahan ka ba? Magpe-pretend na walang alam? NAKAKINIS! NAKAKAIYAK! Sabi ko na. Dapat hindi muna ko nag-boyfriend e. E di sana okay at masaya ako ngayon kahit friends lang ang meron ako.

REGRET. Regret dahil sa tingin ko nagpaka-bobo ako noon, nagpadalosdalos. Ngayon parang gusto kong bumalik sa dati. Tapos iibahin ko yung mga naging desisyon ko noon. Ano kaya ang mangyayari? Magkakaganito kaya ako ngayon? NAIINIS at UMIIYAK?

Kaso wala na, huli na. Kaya nga favorite ko ang kasabihang nasa huli ang pagsisisi.
Totoo naman, magsisisi ka ba kung nasa umpisa ka pa lang? Kung hindi mo pa alam ang kahihinatnan? Kaso ang tanong e, pano mo malalaman kung huli na? Kapag NAIINIS ka na at UMIIYAK? Hay ewan. REGRET, kasi hindi ko nalaman yung magiging storya namin, pano kaya kung sya yung pinili ko? Magtatagal kaya? Magisisisi kaya ako at sasabihing 'sana sya na lang pala'? MAIINIS at IIYAK din kaya ako? Matagal na din kami ngayon, pero sya, gusto ko talaga malaman ang kahihinatnan kung 'sya' yung kami ngayon.

Haaaay, ewan ko nga ba talaga! Ngayon pakiramdam ko nakakulong ako sa selsang ako mismo ang gumawa. Pakiramdam ko isa kong pulis na inaresto at pinosas ang kanyang sarili. Ngayon hindi ako makalabas at makawala. Nasaan na ba ang susi? Hindi ko din alam. Siguro hanggang may PRESSURE, GALIT, INIS, SELOS, TAKOT, at REGRET ako ay hindi ko makikita.

Alam ko nasa isip ko lang lahat 'to. Pero bakit parang nilalamon ako ng sarili kog pag-iisip? Haaay, ewan nga ba. Ewan ko lang talaga. Sige, magsama-sama kayo para INISIN at PAIYAKIN ako. Mahirap pala kapag madami kang iniisip, ikaw din ang MAIINIS at MAIIYAK. In short, pinapahirapan ko lang ang sarili ko. Ngayon, tina-type ko 'to, kasi wala akong makausap. O pwedeng ayoko sila kausapin. kasi for sure MAIINIS at IIYAK lang din ako. Ganun pala talaga, haaaaaay, ewan. Minsan pala mas masarap pa talaga ang nag-iisa sa buhay. At least wala kang iniisip na ibang damdaming masasaktan. Kung meron man, sarili mo lang at kasalanan mo yun, hindi ng ibang tao. Minsan pala e kailangan mo ding makipag-ONE-on-ONE sa sarili mo. Lalo na kapag may nararamdaman kang GALIT, INIS at PAGOD.

PSs...
*Until now I haven't found the key. Something tells me I just have to dig dipper. I'll tell you as soon as I find it. No worries, I'll carry through. 

*from my cellphone's NOTES keyed somewhere between the month of March and April 2011. This is the second time I typed this for i wasn't able to save the first one. But it wasn't hard for me to re-type. Perhaps, something still lingers...


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