Saturday, October 15, 2011

In darkness and silence...

I am emotionally battered.
By LIFE.
Thoughts keep running fast in my head.

Life.
Love.
Family.
Friendship.
Relationship.
Career.

Why do i feel hopeless in all aspects of my life today?
Have I gone wrong? Then where? when? and how?
I feel being used, being worthless, being nothing.

I can't quit.
I won't.
I'm a fighter.
I make other people happy.
So I don't get to ruin my own life.

I have to clear off my head.
Before all else fail.
Winners never quit.
I am a winner.

I'd wake up from here.
Witness me.
Getting out of here.
From where you see nothing.
Where you hear nothing, only your heart beat.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

ONE on ONE

Ayoko na talaga. Sabi ko na, dapat hindi muna ko nag-boyfriend. Sana hindi ko muna inuna yung feelings ko noon o nagpadala sa mga tukso ng kaklase at barkada. Dapat nag-aral muna ko. Although hindi ko naman napabayaan yung pag-aaral ko, hindi ko lang gusto yung nararamdaman ko ngayon.

PRESSURE, GALIT, INIS, TAKOT at REGRET.
Haaaay. Ang sakit sa ulo atsa pakiramdam.

PRESSURE at TAKOT. PRESSURE at TAKOT dahil ga-graduate na ako. Sounds exciting right? But I know it doesn't end there. Syempre, kailangan kong makahanap ng trabaho, ng magandang trabaho. Ngayon tinatanong ko ang sarili ko,sapat na kaya ang mga natutunan ko sa kolehiyo for four years para makahanap ng trabahong papasa sa expectations nila sakin? This is the start, of starting from scratch. I know I don't have to please anybody or live for them. But this has been part of living, of my life, to accomplish expectations on me by the people who are important to me...with flying colors.

Haaaay. GALIT, INIS, at SELOS. GALIT at INIS dahil hindi ko alam kung bakit ang lahat ng bagay, tao, pangyayari sa paligid ko ay nagbabago. Sana, yung dati na lang. Sana, may magagawa ako. Sana hindi ko nararamdaman ngayon 'to. GALIT, INIS, at SELOS. Haaay. Kung lalaki ka at ang sabi mo mahal mo ang girlfriend mo, anong gagawin mo kung alam mong selosa sya at may umaaligid sa'yo? Magtatanga-tangahan ka ba? Magpe-pretend na walang alam? NAKAKINIS! NAKAKAIYAK! Sabi ko na. Dapat hindi muna ko nag-boyfriend e. E di sana okay at masaya ako ngayon kahit friends lang ang meron ako.

REGRET. Regret dahil sa tingin ko nagpaka-bobo ako noon, nagpadalosdalos. Ngayon parang gusto kong bumalik sa dati. Tapos iibahin ko yung mga naging desisyon ko noon. Ano kaya ang mangyayari? Magkakaganito kaya ako ngayon? NAIINIS at UMIIYAK?

Kaso wala na, huli na. Kaya nga favorite ko ang kasabihang nasa huli ang pagsisisi.
Totoo naman, magsisisi ka ba kung nasa umpisa ka pa lang? Kung hindi mo pa alam ang kahihinatnan? Kaso ang tanong e, pano mo malalaman kung huli na? Kapag NAIINIS ka na at UMIIYAK? Hay ewan. REGRET, kasi hindi ko nalaman yung magiging storya namin, pano kaya kung sya yung pinili ko? Magtatagal kaya? Magisisisi kaya ako at sasabihing 'sana sya na lang pala'? MAIINIS at IIYAK din kaya ako? Matagal na din kami ngayon, pero sya, gusto ko talaga malaman ang kahihinatnan kung 'sya' yung kami ngayon.

Haaaay, ewan ko nga ba talaga! Ngayon pakiramdam ko nakakulong ako sa selsang ako mismo ang gumawa. Pakiramdam ko isa kong pulis na inaresto at pinosas ang kanyang sarili. Ngayon hindi ako makalabas at makawala. Nasaan na ba ang susi? Hindi ko din alam. Siguro hanggang may PRESSURE, GALIT, INIS, SELOS, TAKOT, at REGRET ako ay hindi ko makikita.

Alam ko nasa isip ko lang lahat 'to. Pero bakit parang nilalamon ako ng sarili kog pag-iisip? Haaay, ewan nga ba. Ewan ko lang talaga. Sige, magsama-sama kayo para INISIN at PAIYAKIN ako. Mahirap pala kapag madami kang iniisip, ikaw din ang MAIINIS at MAIIYAK. In short, pinapahirapan ko lang ang sarili ko. Ngayon, tina-type ko 'to, kasi wala akong makausap. O pwedeng ayoko sila kausapin. kasi for sure MAIINIS at IIYAK lang din ako. Ganun pala talaga, haaaaaay, ewan. Minsan pala mas masarap pa talaga ang nag-iisa sa buhay. At least wala kang iniisip na ibang damdaming masasaktan. Kung meron man, sarili mo lang at kasalanan mo yun, hindi ng ibang tao. Minsan pala e kailangan mo ding makipag-ONE-on-ONE sa sarili mo. Lalo na kapag may nararamdaman kang GALIT, INIS at PAGOD.

PSs...
*Until now I haven't found the key. Something tells me I just have to dig dipper. I'll tell you as soon as I find it. No worries, I'll carry through. 

*from my cellphone's NOTES keyed somewhere between the month of March and April 2011. This is the second time I typed this for i wasn't able to save the first one. But it wasn't hard for me to re-type. Perhaps, something still lingers...


###

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Real Thing


The Real Thing


It’s been two years now since I entered Adamson University as a Mass Communication student. Looking back to my freshmen days, I often feel envious of the junior Mass Communication students who already have their production class. Seeing them wearing their black t-shirts, standing behind the cameras and lights, I always hoped that time would move so fast so I can also have my own production class and experience the real thing.

Time indeed flies and now I have this elating feeling finding myself reflecting on this thought that there’s more to being a Mass Communication student. It’s not enough for you to be good in grammar, to be articulate, or to be creative. One thing I didn’t realize before is that being a Mass Communication student requires you to be a good leader; this is one of the important things production has taught me. Assignment of different roles in a group of very dynamic individuals and taking the top post at times made my understanding to teammanship and self-worth to a greater scheme. The essence of understanding individual differences and learning to respect varying opinions is a worthwhile realization that I was given the opportunity to learn. These values turned out to be essential tools in leading a group in a very creative environment of young media practitioners-to-be. Producing a very meaningful output that every member of the group is proud of made it dawn to me that I actually have the capacity to lead and inspire contemporaries. I see myself now with a higher regard.

Indeed, leadership is a big matter to deal with. Being able to handle others people’s criticisms, those annoying facial expressions and acting as if they knew everything made me even more resilient. What matters most is that I am confidently secure with myself; I know what I am doing and I know I can prove them wrong.

Today, counting two years after I entered Adamson University... I am now looking forward to experiencing the real thing—the cameras, the lights… - with much confidence.

“End”

2010