Transition Period.

I graduated April 2011 with flying colors with my Bachelor’s Degree Major in Mass Communication. 

Having graduated Magna cum Laude with my “easy” course was a great fulfillment and achievement for me for the reasons that I was able to satisfy the expectations of my big brother and I know it will surely be my edge over the thousands of competitors waiting for me in the ‘real world’. But things didn’t turn out exactly the way I imagined it to be. 

Applying for a job and searching for a good catch is never easy.  I have to admit that I got drowned with the swift change I have to go through. And for me, it was a chaos…

Still overwhelmed with my feat, I have overlooked some of the important things that I have to be prepared for as I am about to leave the four corners of my classroom. I never thought that getting out of my university will feel like falling off from an abyss. I didn’t have my resume ready, no target employer yet (so stubborn not to follow my brother's piece of advice to send out my application at most 2 months before the graduation), got no attire to wear for a possible interview…NOTHING! 

Just me together with my transcript of records, diploma, good moral certificate and big silver medal…definitely not the situation you’d expect from an honor awardee who graduated from a reputable university. 

Oh, I was totally lost.

Things were made even more complicated because of my family. My older brother got back in Luzon from being assigned in Davao, but he has to be in Pampanga… Not too long had passed and here comes the Princess (my brother’s girlfriend) staying in Manila for a work assignment. Wow, things were running smoothly for the two of them but not for me and the rest of my family. 

I feel so awful during that time because I thought we’ll be finally happy since I will have to work and my brother will be staying with us and we’re complete again.  

But I was wrong. 

Me and my brother had a deal that I will stay with his gf while I was looking for work since the gf can’t stay alone at her unit. At first I was excited for I thought it’s a luxury living with her in a condo and that opportunities are nearer to me in Manila. After a few days living in 'her condo', I realize I can’t no longer stand the insensitive, pretentious her and decided to go back in Bulacan and so my little brother has to replace me while my father has to go back and forth alternately to Pampanga and Bulacan while I'm 

staying with my aunt in Bulacan.

To sum it up, I failed all my expectations… I thought I will work and go home to have supper with my family, chit-chatting on how each of us get through the day. That my brother and I will toil hard together as our little brother is finishing his college degree. And soon, we will be able to give our father the life that he never has as a return to all his sacrifices to us. Thus, a happy family and my mom is surely overjoyed watching us.

But all of these only led to frustration and hopelessness. My family has always been my inspiration and strength and being apart from them diluted me. I felt alone for I got no one to share my feelings and rants with. I was left having myself alone. Nothing of those cheers and motivations I used to lean on to. 

Not even a tap at my back.  

I have to cry every night to get rid of all the negativities and unwanted emotions inside me. Yes, I was poignant and was even questioning God why does it have to happen to me, to my family. They are oblivious that I have been in misery because of solitude… 

Who says turning from childhood to adolescence is the toughest transformation a person can ever experience?

But my world won't just stop. I have to deal with it for this is all part of living and being cursed here on earth. God must be testing and preparing me for something bigger in the future. And despite all, I still have a strong faith that God is watching, lifting me away from this chaos...

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(created July 2011, from my desktop)

In darkness and silence...

I am emotionally battered.

By LIFE.

Thoughts keep running fast in my head.

Life.

Love.

Family.

Friendship.

Relationship.

Career.

Why do i feel hopeless in all aspects of my life today?

Have I gone wrong? Then where? when? and how?

I feel being used, being worthless, being nothing.

I can't quit.

I won't.

I'm a fighter.

I make other people happy.

So I don't get to ruin my own life.

I have to clear off my head.

Before all else fail.

Winners never quit.

I am a winner.

I'd wake up from here.

Witness me.

Getting out of here.

From where you see nothing.
Where you hear nothing, only your heart beat.

ONE on ONE

Ayoko na talaga. Sabi ko na, dapat hindi muna ko nag-boyfriend. Sana hindi ko muna inuna yung feelings ko noon o nagpadala sa mga tukso ng kaklase at barkada. Dapat nag-aral muna ko. Although hindi ko naman napabayaan yung pag-aaral ko, hindi ko lang gusto yung nararamdaman ko ngayon.

PRESSURE, GALIT, INIS, TAKOT at REGRET.
Haaaay. Ang sakit sa ulo atsa pakiramdam.

PRESSURE at TAKOT. PRESSURE at TAKOT dahil ga-graduate na ako. Sounds exciting right? But I know it doesn't end there. Syempre, kailangan kong makahanap ng trabaho, ng magandang trabaho. Ngayon tinatanong ko ang sarili ko,sapat na kaya ang mga natutunan ko sa kolehiyo for four years para makahanap ng trabahong papasa sa expectations nila sakin? This is the start, of starting from scratch. I know I don't have to please anybody or live for them. But this has been part of living, of my life, to accomplish expectations on me by the people who are important to me...with flying colors.

Haaaay. GALIT, INIS, at SELOS. GALIT at INIS dahil hindi ko alam kung bakit ang lahat ng bagay, tao, pangyayari sa paligid ko ay nagbabago. Sana, yung dati na lang. Sana, may magagawa ako. Sana hindi ko nararamdaman ngayon 'to. GALIT, INIS, at SELOS. Haaay. Kung lalaki ka at ang sabi mo mahal mo ang girlfriend mo, anong gagawin mo kung alam mong selosa sya at may umaaligid sa'yo? Magtatanga-tangahan ka ba? Magpe-pretend na walang alam? NAKAKINIS! NAKAKAIYAK! Sabi ko na. Dapat hindi muna ko nag-boyfriend e. E di sana okay at masaya ako ngayon kahit friends lang ang meron ako.

REGRET. Regret dahil sa tingin ko nagpaka-bobo ako noon, nagpadalosdalos. Ngayon parang gusto kong bumalik sa dati. Tapos iibahin ko yung mga naging desisyon ko noon. Ano kaya ang mangyayari? Magkakaganito kaya ako ngayon? NAIINIS at UMIIYAK?

Kaso wala na, huli na. Kaya nga favorite ko ang kasabihang nasa huli ang pagsisisi.
Totoo naman, magsisisi ka ba kung nasa umpisa ka pa lang? Kung hindi mo pa alam ang kahihinatnan? Kaso ang tanong e, pano mo malalaman kung huli na? Kapag NAIINIS ka na at UMIIYAK? Hay ewan. REGRET, kasi hindi ko nalaman yung magiging storya namin, pano kaya kung sya yung pinili ko? Magtatagal kaya? Magisisisi kaya ako at sasabihing 'sana sya na lang pala'? MAIINIS at IIYAK din kaya ako? Matagal na din kami ngayon, pero sya, gusto ko talaga malaman ang kahihinatnan kung 'sya' yung kami ngayon.

Haaaay, ewan ko nga ba talaga! Ngayon pakiramdam ko nakakulong ako sa selsang ako mismo ang gumawa. Pakiramdam ko isa kong pulis na inaresto at pinosas ang kanyang sarili. Ngayon hindi ako makalabas at makawala. Nasaan na ba ang susi? Hindi ko din alam. Siguro hanggang may PRESSURE, GALIT, INIS, SELOS, TAKOT, at REGRET ako ay hindi ko makikita.

Alam ko nasa isip ko lang lahat 'to. Pero bakit parang nilalamon ako ng sarili kog pag-iisip? Haaay, ewan nga ba. Ewan ko lang talaga. Sige, magsama-sama kayo para INISIN at PAIYAKIN ako. Mahirap pala kapag madami kang iniisip, ikaw din ang MAIINIS at MAIIYAK. In short, pinapahirapan ko lang ang sarili ko. Ngayon, tina-type ko 'to, kasi wala akong makausap. O pwedeng ayoko sila kausapin. kasi for sure MAIINIS at IIYAK lang din ako. Ganun pala talaga, haaaaaay, ewan. Minsan pala mas masarap pa talaga ang nag-iisa sa buhay. At least wala kang iniisip na ibang damdaming masasaktan. Kung meron man, sarili mo lang at kasalanan mo yun, hindi ng ibang tao. Minsan pala e kailangan mo ding makipag-ONE-on-ONE sa sarili mo. Lalo na kapag may nararamdaman kang GALIT, INIS at PAGOD.

PSs...
*Until now I haven't found the key. Something tells me I just have to dig dipper. I'll tell you as soon as I find it. No worries, I'll carry through. 

*from my cellphone's NOTES keyed somewhere between the month of March and April 2011. This is the second time I typed this for i wasn't able to save the first one. But it wasn't hard for me to re-type. Perhaps, something still lingers...


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